So, I was watching Kathy Griffin and her tour manager has been diagnosed with Trichotillomania, which they explained as pulling out your eyebrows and eyelashes. I was like, “Oh wow, I’ve been doing that all my life!” So, I did some research.
This page kind of explains the deal for those of you who may be interested. We’ve pretty much narrowed down the fact that my depression is anxiety-based and that’s why Zoloft seems to work the best for me, but this was making me wonder if there’s something else I need to do. They talked about looking at the times when you are triggered and realizing what is going on that is making you want to pull your hair out. I don’t have a really bad case like some of the things that they’ve talked about, but I’d said I pull my eyelashes out about once a week and my eyebrows maybe once a month. You can’t hardly notice because I have blonde hair, but it got me thinking about the hair on my head. I don’t pull it out, but I definitely do shave my head when I’m stressed, and it does literally make me feel better when I do. I was just thinking about doing it right now. I wouldn’t say I’m particularly stressed right now, but The Girl did yell at me for no particular reason and we’ve got some other stuff goin on that I guess I would call “triggers.”
The past couple weeks I’ve had a real self-destructive patch going on. I was playing LoL the other day and had some guys who were just ragging on me because I apparently didn’t know what I was doing. After that I really just had a hankering to cut some lines into my arm or punch something until I couldn’t make a fist anymore. I haven’t done either one of those for a very long time, but maybe this means I’m more stressed than I realize. I did punch the wooden archway in our house about as hard as I could that day, but only once. It’s weird to explain that to people who have no experience with it. It’d be like an OCD person explaining why they have to wash their hands repeatedly… you just kinda have to. Sometimes you can recognize what’s going on and not do it, but you don’t get the “satisfaction.”
My bulpup has been making me have extremely vivid dreams to the point where I almost don’t want to sleep. The dreams aren’t bad and I realize they’re dreams right when I wake up (which also may be odd to explain, but that doesn’t always happen to me and sometimes I think my dream is real until something happens that makes me realize it was a dream). That’s probably why it’s 4:45AM right now and I’m exhausted but not sleeping. I’m sitting here, typing, and thinking about shaving my head.
I dreamed that The Girl and I had kids again and they were triplets this time, but one of them was not right. Like part of his head was missing. It was hard. We’ve been thinking about having kids a lot lately, but I don’t think I was right to, at least not right now. I really need some time where I’m the most important thing to someone. I’m not getting that from friends, my son or my wife right now, so I don’t want to have someone else who is in front of me. How selfish is that? I dunno.
Anyway… I’m gonna go shave my head.
